SPACE ALIEN SIGHTED AT LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL! Early this week, Wes Allegaynee High School faculty member Robert Balko claims to have spotted what can only be described as a "little green man.” According to the pinball coach, the being was about 5’7” in height, had a hollow body, and a very shiny head with inhuman bulging eyes. Balko claims that he fought with the alien and won, but it escaped while he was searching for change to dial 911. After agents Sculder and Mully from the CIA arrived on the scene and found no trace of the alien encounter, Coach Balko was immediately arrested and placed in a mental care facility outside Washington, PA. Later, following an intense investigation sponsored by The Charlatan, it was discovered that the “alien being” was, in actuality, Thomas Doneleigh, also a teacher at Wes Allegaynee. He was not available for comment. RARE HUMAN ODDITY: STUDENT AT WES A WHO RECIEVES PERFECT ATTENDANCE AWARD!! Wes Allegaynee student Eddie Roth will recieve the coveted Perfect Attendance Award from the high school administration. Roth, who has attended perfectly his entire school career, is the first recipient since Richard Bender, in 1973. Roth is a member of the Ski club, the French club, the Math/Tutoring/Kite/Problem Solving Club, Horizons, the National Honor Society, and the Chorus Show Choir. Despite his apparent lack of time, he still manages to maintain a 4.0 average and it is rumored he also has a social life, but there is no evidence of that. (The story you have just read is true. Names were changed to protect the innocent.)

EYE ON THE FAMOUS VAN HALEN TO HIRE FOURTH LEAD SINGER-- “WEIRD AL” YANKOVIC. Gary Cherone ( singer no. 3) of Van Halen was arrested for the murder of BAYWATCH STAR DAVID HASSELHOFF. This was the night before he was TO WED TALK SHOW HOST ROSIE O’DONNELL, whose show was recently cancelled due to complaints from BARBARA STREISAND and TOM CRUISE. In Other News, HILLARY CLINTON says after husband BILL finishes his term, she will divorce him. Apparently the SPICE GIRLS helped her with this decision, encouraging her to show "girl power.” PRINCES WILLIAM AND HARRY OF WALES TO JOIN HANSON ON THIER NEXT TOUR Harry and William will join Issac, Taylor, and Zach on their world tour to start in Summer ‘99. Harry and William, who have been big fans for about a year now, say they can’t wait to join their heroes in singing MMMBop. The princes say they have been practicing for seven months so they will sound just right for the concerts.When asked for a comment, Issac said “We’re really flattered, but we didn’t even know England had princes.” and Zach repeatedly asked “where in the h-- is Wales?” Taylor, who seemed the most confused, simply stated “I always wanted to sing with a whale.”