MOUNTAIN DEW CONSPIRACY UNCOVERED!!! PURCHASE, NY— On June 4, 1999, at the offices of PepsiCo, Inc. documents were found that provide undeniable proof of the rumors that PepsiCo’s most popular product, Mountain Dew™, is in fact Pepsi-cola mixed with the urine of a three-toed sloth. The sloth was unavailable for questioning. The president of PepsiCo, however, was available, but because this paper is rated PG-13, his comments could not be printed here. This discovery has rocked the nation. Some people have begun lawsuits against the company, while others have flocked to stores to purchase more of the "specially" flavored soft drink. This reporter asked Billy Joe Randall of Toilet Water, WV what he thought of this whole affair, to which he responded, "Never before have I seen such a thing as this. Do you know how many microscopic organisms can live in urine? I’m surprised no one has contracted any fatal ailments from that beverage! Those detestable beasts running PepsiCo should be drawn and quartered!" No one knows if the world can ever recover from this horrific fiasco. I, for one, shall never drink Mountain Dew™ again, nor shall I kiss someone who has. THE BOYS OF SUMMER As the school year ends, many students are making plans for the summer. Some of these plans include alcoholic hazes, journeys to amusement parks or festivals, frequent trips to the pool, and then there are the kids who live at the mall. But there are some kids that will spend their day in the sun, sweating, and running out of air. These kids are doing all this work for the fact that it will pay off in the fall. These kids are normal teens (well some of them aren’t so normal) just like any other, but instead of sitting around doing nothing all summer, they spend their time on the practice field working. They run drills for what seems like hours and then go home and sleep it off just to come back and do it again. They are forced to socialize among only each other, due to lack of time for anyone else. They are forced to sell horrible food related products to the unsuspecting public. These products are made using slave labor, and the kids are forced to buy the completed product, getting absolutely no "freebies." Some of these kids are ridiculed fiercely by their peers. Most of them too proud to stand up for themselves, walk away from the laughing with their head held high. By now you are probably wondering who these "gifted" kids are. Well let me tell you. They are the West Allegheny Marching Pride.

SOLITARE RULES THE WORLD I’m not sure what genius designed the solitaire game that we all know and love. But he could now take over the world if he so pleased. The solitaire game is on mostly every computer across the nation. Everyone plays it, at work, at school, at home, wherever. Studies have it, work levels have lowered in businesses that have solitaire on their computers. But I ask the question; What would we do without this wonderful game? Personally I’d whine like a little baby, and demand it back. I just find it funny that no one ever plays solitaire the old fashioned way; you know back in the good old days where you had to deal it out by hand. Most of us scoff at that now. We’ve all gotten lazy!! This summer I spent some time at my grandparents. Being the psycho that I am I took my computer with me, fearing withdrawal symptoms. Now if your grandfather is like mine, he probably loves playing cards. So out of boredom I decided to bond with the old guy by showing him the computer game. It took him a while to get a hang of the mouse, but after a while, I saw the addiction appearing before my very own eyes. My grandfather slowly spent more time on the computer than me. He took over my computer! But then the day came for me to return and my computer came home with me. A few weeks later my grandfather called and wondered if he could get the game for his 286. I thought for a moment and chuckled, and replied to him that I didn’t think it was available for his computer and that he’d have to get a mouse. Surprisingly he didn’t care about the price. I was shocked cause my grandfather is thrifty. About a week later I got another call and he was asking about getting a new computer. I asked him why he wanted to make such an investment. He replied "I want that solitaire game, and possibly a Black Jack program!" I had to laugh at the fact that my grandfather was willing to pay $600+ for a solitaire machine!! So folks, do you see the awesome power of solitaire? Think about all the good times solitaire has brought you, then think about what you do with out it...